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Lima Bean

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Tuesday Tell All

Have you ever lost someone you loved? I have. A few times. I'm not going to talk about the one that hurt the most because that is none of your business but I will talk about the one I feel most guilty about.
Steven and I went on a four wheeling trip when we were dating. We were down in St. George right after all the huge floods. I worked at a a long term care facility and I had a patient I absolutely loved. She knew every single detail about Steven and I. She knew I wanted to marry him and she knew about our trip. She was certain I would get engaged that weekend. Turns out she was right. While I was gone having fun with Steven and our friends getting engaged she passed away. She was coming down with a cold that turned into pneumonia and she was too weak to fight. I was totally heart broken. I came back from my trip and went to work early that day to show her my ring and give her the jar of sand I hijacked from the sand dunes. I promised her I would get her pink/red sand. Her room was empty. Her things were gone and so was she. I bawled for days. I went to her funeral which there were only a handful of people. She was such an amazing person and she died alone. The other people were there out of obligation not love. I was there because I loved her. She was amazing. Before they closed the casket I put my small jar of sand in her casket. Some would say that was crossing the line but I know she would have wanted her jar of sand. I feel terrible still that she did not get to see the sand, my ring, or me before she died. I would like to think she was there with me the day I married Steven. I would like to think she knows how much I still miss her. I will forever feel guilty I wasn't there with her when she left this world.

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